Sorry I have not been updating for quite a while...And I don't think I want to blog so much nowadays... I blog because I feel like my life is so perfect... So fun that I just have to share it with everyone... But today, I realised, there's no such thing as a perfect life... And I've achieved something I always wanted... I didn't cry at all in July... =)

Just because of a simple event, I thought my life is perfect...I didn't know all of that would end in August... I didn't see it coming... I feel like...My life has no more meaning... I'm just living through it but I just can't seem to love it any longer... I just feel... Useless... Lonely... Depressed.

On Wednesday, I was listening to music... But I didn't know why, I cried. I was happy in the day...But I just had to cry that night... I just had a feeling after that, that something wrong is going to happen soon...But I just ignore it because I thought my life was complete... I got that thing that will always make me smile... To be specific...That person who never fails to make me smile, although, indirectly...

The next day, which was yesterday... The dark sky and the bad weather just explains it all... It tells a story of what I felt inside... I wasn't too happy in the day... And my friends in school just build up hopes in me for him... Until the sun sets and moon rises, I prayed hard to Allah... "When will all these end...? Will I ever get just a simple clue that he doesn't like me at all? Is this just a retribution for all that I've done in my life all this while...? Will I ever get a chance to even see him smiling at me?"...And after I prayed, it happened again... I cried again without any prior reasons... I guess that was one part of the clue... Yesterday, I cried for about 15 minutes straight... I guess I was just being paranoid... But sometimes, being paranoid is good, because sometimes, what we don't want to happen, really happens.

Today, National Day celebration was the worst one ever. Apart from that, my eyes were like heavy since I cried too much the day before... I didn't have a single clue that I would find out why I cried yesterday, today. I had some fun taking pictures with Nadzirah, Maizurah and Diyana. Thanks Sharon for the photos. My friends made my day fun in school. We were about to go around the neighbourhood to collect recyclable materials, when it happened. I heard about it... And I feel that sudden surge of despair in my heart. But I controlled my emotion and faked a smile. I even talked crap. Who am I kidding? I love Ali? I barely know him. The phrase "It's ok...You still have Ali" is never going to work again. I don't love him and I had never loved him. I only love one person and only him... For a second, I felt my heart, shattered, just as it was about to be fully healed... It's even shattered than before... I felt as though I was shot in the heart when I heard the news...

I wanted to cry, but I was too sad for the tears to even come out... I wanted to smile, but it looked to fake for everyone to see... I want to talk, but my voice sounded as though I was emotionless... I wanted to know what I was feeling, but the feeling of my heart crashing down says it all... I wanted to know the truth, but I knew...It was all over.

After the recycling programme, we sat outside our classroom... I chose to sit alone... I couldn't describe my feelings at all. I just need some time alone thinking positive... For once, I didn't sigh over something that really shattered my heart. And there it happened, I could not hold back my tears any longer... But didn't cry much, then I joined my friends... Tried to smile, but it was too difficult... I talked to my best friend after that. Thanks for the encouragements babe, I needed them... And thanks for telling me the news in the first place... What would I ever do without you? Then we went to the toilet when the fucking 4T1 fuckers sprayed water at us using water guns. Seriously, WRONG TIMING. I shouted vulgarities at them and I mean each and every word I said! I felt better after shouting so loudly though. I just needed to let out that anger in me... How can I be so stupid to fall in love again after I have told myself not to? In the hall, sang school song, I can't believe I sang it after such a long time...

Thought of following my friends to Interchange... But then I thought, I wanted to cry more than anything... I went home with a sulky mood... I could hardly smile. Changed my clothes, and off I go, crying. I cried for almost half an hour though today... And I cried again when I was typing the first paragraph of this post... Hahas! Well what is for sure, I'll just cry today and that's it... On Tuesday, there will be a different side of me coming to school...

Now, I don't feel like going to NDP tomorrow... My task is just to open an umbrella, get $10, and I can't even go to the floating stadium! Tell me what the fuck is that supposed to mean? -.-... I have to sit at a HUMID field, watching the whole parade on a huge screen television. Thank YOU!....-.-... But for now, I'll do anything to get my mind off him... Anything... And to some of my friends, don't bother going to my private blog anymore...I will never update it again.

Goodbye and have a great day ahead of you. Happy Birthday Junyuan and Singapore...

Ramalanku Tentang Penghujung Jalan Kisah Cintaku Ini Benar...