So I was thinking, should I start blogging again?

Hi everyone...! It has been so long since I last blogged here ever since Facebook exists amd I pour out my rants there. Believe it or not as I am typing this post, I'm already 23 years old. Many things have changed, especially me. I'm not who I used to be in my teenage years anymore. I am trying to learn more about Islam and bring myself closer to Allah now. It has been a year and three months since I started donning the hijab. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

I am at that age now where I should start worrying about getting married already. But part of me is reluctant to do so... I personally love my boyfriend of 7 years with all my heart. I have done and would do anything for him. But his lack of trust for me is becoming a big issue for both of us.

It's like he practically doesn't trust me at all. He can even assume I am cheating on him just because my old friend when I was 9 years old liked my photo on instagram. I mean, how ridiculous can he get? I do not have that guy's number, and the last time I ever talked to him face to face was when I was 9?? That is like 14 years ago? And best part is he is attached. Why would I go after an attached guy? It's 4 AM right now and I can't sleep coz of this. My mind is flooded with thoughts. I love him, but I fear that this insecurities and jealosy over things that don't even exist will just kill our relationship. Of coz for now a breakup isn't a bug deal. But what if we got married and have kids? I do not support divorce, so I have to suffer my whole life as a prisoner of his insecurities?

Is it still worth for me to stay? Or is it better if I just leave for good this time round? Who knows maybe... Just maybe.. I would find the right guy who knows how much I love him and can see for himself how faithful I am, coz I don't even speak to any guys who wishes to be my friends. I just prefer girl friends. What if staying will only damage me further, whereas leaving would make me a happier person? I don't know. I'm at lost. Until then, I'll just perform salah istikharah, maybe Allah can help me decide on my soul mate (jodoh).